Sunday, January 8, 2017

New Year... New Fears...


Usually when the New Year rolls around, I'm excitedly creating a list of new year's resolutions that I'll forget about come July and also reviewing the previous year's triumphs and failures, and what I learned and all that other crap. New Year is probably one of my most favorite times, and had always been for as long as I can remember. With all the fireworks, happiness and cheer and promising of a more fulfilling, more proactive year. At least that's how I've always looked at it. And with each new year, even if I never completed my full list of resolutions, I always became one step closer to being better, proactive, productive... whatever it is I was aiming for that year.

But not this year.

I just..... froze. Literally.

The reminders everywhere didn't help me. I felt like I was standing at the edge of a cliff. Actually, I still feel that way, but I'm gaining a little more feeling in my toes.

Why am I standing here frozen and not moving?

Because I have to make decisions. True. Decisions.

I mean lets face it, time waits for no man! And it's not like my clock is full of ample energy and time to daydream like I used to have. It's not frilly same ol' same ol' decisions I have to make such as lose twenty pounds, save up a wad of cash, get a car or whatever.

It's decisions. Real, legit decisions.

Am I going back to school? Am I gonna crack down on this financial budget thing? Am I going to continue working as a employee and climb up the corporate ladder? Am I going to push my crochet business harder so that it can actually turn a profit this year? Am I going to commit to raising Keep Calm 'n Coily's platform this year? Am I going to spend another year living paycheck to paycheck and not pursue any of my real dreams? Am I going to decide to travel somewhere? Am I going to spend more time with family? Am I going to to pursue love? Do I want to pursue love? Who am I? Where am I? Should I spend this year doing more soul searching? Have I done enough soul searching? How will I be more productive this year? Do I care?

Is my health going to be okay? Is my mind okay? Am I ready for whatever adventure I plan to take on? And what about my spirituality? Am I going to strengthen that too? Am I going to work to create more layers? Have I become hardened over the year? Because I feel like my skin has gotten a bit thicker? Am I going to work on my fashion and personal style?

What about buying a home? Or renting a house? Building back up my credit? Should I get a dog? How can I help my family? Where do I want to move to? Do I want to move again this year? Should I just stay put?

See.... these weren't thoughts that I was having January 1 of 2016. But these thoughts, and more, have been all that's spinning around in my head lately.

So if you came back to this blog looking for the weekly posts of sunday grease's, friday forethoughts and everything else, and was sorely disappointed to see that there hadn't been any updates for nearly a month...... I sincerely apologize.

I didn't expect for my mind to paralyze me the way it did. I just couldn't get over it. I can't stop thinking about it. Wondering if I'm doing enough. If I'll ever be doing enough.

I guess I'm having that moment when you begin to realize how REAL life is, and how much time I have probably wasted. And now I'm scurrying around in my brain trying to figure out where I should go. There's only so many more forks in the road left before I'm on the path that I'll be on for some years. And for the girl that's had a hard time being committed to things for so long... that's scary for me.

Trying to find the peace in committing to one specific way of life is.... kind of like a guy who is hesitant about marriage...... I might be one of those people too come to think of it O__O".

I feel like I took on too much towards the ending of 2016 between trying to push a crochet business and a hair blog while still working full time and even though I pursued with energy.... the mindset is starting to catch up with me. I can't really sleep at night because I'm up googling crochet patterns or trying to learn about freaking tax deductions for a business. Now I'm wondering if I should propose it as a hobby business or a legit business? But I should file it as legit right? I want Fresh Out The Trunk to truly go somewhere in the upcoming years.

But I'm just so nervous. I've made 2 sales within the past 30 days to people at work. And it really should've pumped me up and got me excited about making and selling more stuff right? But it didn't. It just... froze me. As if the yarn bundles turned to me with mischievous Family Guy-worthy grins and said,..

"THIS!...... will be the rest of your life..."

And it's not to say I have an issue with crocheting cute hats and baby blankets for the rest of my life.... but is that the corner I want to subject my life to? Being full on entrpreneur? I mean the thought of having and owning your own business or empire is HUGE. But is that the only thing I want to be selling?

I got an email from a 3d animation and modelling school that I was trying to get into a couple years ago. Things have changed with them and now they're doing online courses, giving bachelor's degree and are finally accepting financial aid. And that's something I'd love to take on again! My first dream was to produce a 3d series and a game to go along with it... like an app. But THAT! 3D animation is so VERY time consuming. And it can take YEARS to really master and be able to start selling it.

Since I was planning to do a little animation series and not actually selling "models", I really still do think about going to school for it. But that in itself is yet another drain of energy and time. Having to learn how to do it, I'll probably still have to pull a loan on it (though a much smaller loan this time), then having to create the characters, give them personalities, learn how to animate them, write the stories, find voice actors (if needed), and THEN. Market it. Put it on youtube, plaster it over social media and find people who might be interested in it's plot and story line. Then if I planned on creating a game for it, NOW I gotta learn the technicals of creating an app, having people test it and learning how to debug bugs, listening to all the feedback, have to hire customer care people cause I can't deal with all that humbug! You see?

Every dream comes with it's own LIST. And that would be great if I were the person that had only one dream since I was a fetus.

But that's not the case. I've had a new dream every year! And now as an adult with such a fairly blank slate, I just want to do them all! Try them all! But I feel like I don't have the time, nor energy to do it. I feel like I have to hit a bullseye with the choice I make. I'd love to tell myself that I have the rest of my life to figure things out, but I just don't have that kind of mentality anymore...or right now. I just want to make the right choice and be happy with it.

But I don't know what I'll be happy with. Is it haircare and running this blog? Or is it crochet and making sales? OR. Is it producing an animation series and an app game?

Or is it all three?

I find myself trying to figure out what's the cheaper dream. Obviously, running the hair blog is the cheapest.

But then what would make me happiest? Most likely producing an animation series. That's been a dream for such a long time!

But what's more immediate and more lucrative as it stands? Can't deny that the crochet has been pulling through time and time again.

I just don't know. But regardless of my not knowing, I need to figure SOMETHING out. Can't stand here motionless forever, now wouldn't THAT be the biggest waste of time?

I guess this is my "Pre-Year-Metamorphasis-Syndrome" thing....

I won't promise that I will be keeping up with a lot of those scheduled installments that I had been doing... such as Quick Tip Tuesdays... and Sunday Grease will probably (probably) will make an appearance twice a month instead of every week. I don't want to obliterate Sunday Grease entirely because I myself really do enjoy writing them. For right now, it'll probably be twice a month, but as my mind cools down and I start breaking out of this "Freeze Mode" that I'm in, they'll most likely go back to every week again.

I mean, I don't know. You guys tell me! What do you enjoy most about this blog? Where do you think I can improve? Please give me your feedback. This year will be a year of productivity!

And if you stuck around and read all that..........

Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaas! You are the real MVP! And thank you! :)

But until next time,

♥ Keep calm 'n coily ♥

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